if only

During my recovery I remember once thinking ...

if I had have been taken for a medical examination
and if there had have been DNA testing
the evil monstors would have been put behind bars
and I my parents would have lost custody.

I dreamt of what my life would have been like had my grandparents been given custody.

I saw a child released
to dream
to undertake adventure
to be released to grow

it was empowering

I visited the community where I would have spent my child and teenage years

sometimes part of healing is to release the imprisoned self

to hear the cries of the wounded child

locked away in unimaginable painful memories

adults only disturbing reading

 My story is written to assist other survivors trusting the Lord to be healed, to recover, to become overcommers.

My story is written to assist siblings, family, friends, medical practicioners, Pastors, Youth Leaders, teachers and society
to understand survivors of csa (Child sexual abuse)

My story is written to testify of the goodness of God
for He is greater than the vilest of evil.

however it is for adults over the age of 21 only

you must be over 21 to continue

Adults - my story is a story of shocking, terrible evil

if you find it too confrunting
please  skip this page
and return to the main page.


memories seaping out

there is a lot of talk about recovering supressed memories
some want to discredit us
I simply ask that you read my story.

the evil of sexual is that it is about the improper use of power and control by an adult over a child
a breach of trust

the evil of csa is that it is an unwanted sexual experience before the mind or body is developed enough to understand what was happening
at the age of two I was left confused, in a daze,

the evil of csa is that it violates the will - I was screaming "Nooo !!!!!"

the evil of csa is that it defiles, it wounds the heart, it crushes the soul, it traumatises the body, it leaves painfull memories one cannot process or bear

and so a wall goes up
its locked away

to cope

many of us returned to "normal" life
trying to live up to normal expectations

but hindered

csa is like a disability

only its the emotions which are disabled.

its memories locked away and part of our mental faculties with it.

I went through life with symptoms

the following is only written to put the rest of my site into perspective

What exactly happened ?

    When I was two my mum was in hospital having given birth to my brother
my father was a teacher and he left me "in the care"  (more like neglect and abuse)
of the wife of a teacher in the same staff room.
at lunchtime the teacher went to his home

I recall the lunchtime my legs were tied to the bed end
mrs perpetrator held me
whilst I screamed "nooooo !!!!!!!!!!!! "
short version - I was orally raped
yuck !
but I bit him so I got free whilst they were in shock
they must have untied me
I recall wiggling past them
I got out to the bathroom demanded the stool and washed out my mouth
enough detail

it left me very traumatised

and trust me it's taken loads of counselling from multiple counsellors
and prayer ministry
and working my way through it applying scripture and prayer
and group therapy.

one doesn't just "get over"  rape.

I was anally raped in the same place
when I was about 5 or 6.
my colonopost observeed a 3 cms scar.
my mum rembers seeing blood on my underpants
fortunately after that she ended the contact.

In the fifties kids were not taught Child Protection
we were not given kids words to verbalise our feelings.

My mind couldn't process what happened
at two my friontal lobe was only starting to function - maybe

So my mind supressed it
but in subtle, unexpected ways it affected my life.

I now see most of my childhood I was disconected  or disaccociated

I was indecently assulted  by two seperate teachers at 11 and 14
with no one to tell.

During the NSW Wood Royal Commission I heard that indecent assult is a crime.
the incident at 14 was the first to surface.
I reported it to the Education Dept and the Police.

I was at the time fulfilling my obligations as a Mandatory Reporter
as there was a molester in the congregation

We had to set up procedures to protect the children in the church
I had to write report after report to my denominational committees
and on 4th July 1997 I lost a twelve month battle
and  the Presbytery "severed my pastoral tie"
in other words sacked  in what was in effect an act of victimisation
which Mandatory Reporting Rules had promised I would be protected from
but no one enforced it.

I think it was 2008 when my mum finally disclosed her recolection of
the dreadful events of my infant years.
my memories poured out
some like a video

I spent the next 3-4 years in intence counselling and support groups and praying pastors.
early 2012  it broke.

I felt a release.

after a time of consolodation I saw there is more on the gradual road of recovery

I am committed to discovering more insights, more steps of recovery

I give thanks to God I am able to live a normal life.

being a caring Pastor I am committed to prayerfully developing models of ministry
there is much more to be done.

there is also a need to lobby for more servives.

how memories pour out

for me csa was never really hidden

the memories were supressed,
but the wall consumed energy - and that consumption of energy showed,
it slowed me down.
it meant double the effort to achieve 20% - 30% or even 40%
less than my potential

every time I  passed no 2 I relived painfull but unexplained memories
until two years ago when after a chat with my GP how the passage works
I realised I wasn't feeling a natural function
but painfull  dreadfull memories

councellors did NOT prompt me - I wish they had, then the process would have been quicker
I am gratefull they didn't or some readers might blame them for putting ideas in my head

the worst csa flooded out when my mother finally disclosed who "minded" me at the age of two. At the mere mention of their name,
and that "after returning you had behavioural problems ..."
and her recollection of the morning she noticed blood on my underwear.
over the following weeks and months memories flooded out
I took the walls down ( a story of its own)
and the Lord Jesus Christ began to cleanse and restore my soul.(link to come)
 things I had said out of the blue
the unknown factor which caused my friends to not understand me
the hinderance to my concentration
and more
now had an explanation.

there had been symptoms all my life

not even the surgeon who documented the scars raise the possability of csa.

neither I nor my dentist understood why  I spontaneously swallowed
or suddenly closed my jaw

or why, when I requested a chock to hold my mouth open,
I would dry reach 

or why my responses to eye tests were inconsistant
or why sometimes my eyes focused
and at other times my eyes were out of focus

or why I struggled to learn and recall information

or why at the age of 8 I wondered the playground on my own
in a disconnected state

or why I felt I did not belong in my parents home ...

I now have the explanation of what had been the great unknown  ....